Ten Rules For Making A Good First Impression

by Thomas M. Pender

10)          One should always speak clearly and never mumble . . . unless you’re in the South, where mumbling is practically a requirement

9)            One should always place a napkin in one’s lap before dining.  This rule, however, may be waived if there is a giant talking rodent, dozens of jangling games that spit out tickets, and a hundred screaming kids about the establishment.

8)            One should never vomit on anyone with the potential to become one’s boss or spouse

7)            One should always say “Please pass the condom” as the situation (ahem) “arises”

6)            One should never attempt to spit one’s watermelon seeds or olive pits into one’s date’s cleavage for two points

5)            One should never address a police officer who has pulled one over as “Sir Sphincter, Duke of All Doughnuts”

4)            One should always be on time to pick up a date.  It may also behoove one to bring along a novel, as one on time will most likely be waiting an average of 45 minutes for one’s date to be ready.

3)            One should never scratch one’s personal areas during job interviews

2)            One should always politely ask a new neighbor to keep his pet out of one’s yard at least three times before making said pet “disappear”

and

1)            One should never attempt the “popcorn box trick” on a first date to the cinema without first . . . oh, hell, there are no polite rules to attempting the popcorn box trick.  Just go for it!