Colombian-“eh!”

by Thomas M. Pender

It’s past time Hollywood gave us a “Jane Bond” in the action genre.  It’s the 21st Century.  We now have female Marines, Green Berets and Navy Seals.  Women can snap a baddie’s neck just as efficiently as men, so bring on the lady agents!

I have enjoyed Zoe Saldana’s work in several films, including Drumline and the amazing reboot of my beloved Star Trek.  She is easy on the eyes, has a full range of emotions and expresses them well, and has the potential to become one of Hollywood’s finest actresses, given the right material.  Unfortunately, her Colombiana did not sell me on her ability to kick ass.  Being tough and cold enough to kill a string of people would probably show on one’s face.  Saldana is much too soft to sell as a “Terminator.”

The character backstory was there, though a tad cliché, and the main storyline was there, but it felt weak.  A woman who spends twenty years training as a killer, specifically to kill only a few people she has a vendetta against?  Doubtful.  A few major plot holes distracted me from the story, as well.  To mention one that inspired my guffaw: How does one get into a glass-covered pool full of sharks to lie in wait for one’s prey without being seen or needing oxygen?  A few more weeks in the script room could have made this a solid action scene.

Speaking of action, Colombiana also suffers from the modern-day trend of too many tight-space quick-cut fight scenes, so prominent in the recent James Bond films Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace.  It’s hard for the audience to keep track of who is hitting whom when the people fighting are moving faster than humans actually move, the camera work is choppy, and you can’t even see both fighters in the same shot.  Back the hell up, Hollywood!  We don’t need to see the pores on these guys’ faces, we need to see what’s going on.  I suspect that this method is a shortcut to making actors look like they’re fighting, so the audience can see it’s really them, without really endangering the actor.  I further suspect that these scenes are filmed much like a dance, where the actors move slowly into each position, so as not to cause harm, then the footage is sped up to fight speed.  I applaud the effort to minimize the obvious stunt doubles, but this is not the way.  (If you want to see what the dance-sequence-fight-scene looks like without being sped up, rent The Transporter.  Another good idea for a film, but I kept thinking that one guy in each fight scene should be wearing a tutu and Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy should be playing!)

Colombiana, like many films I’ve seen lately, is a good idea rushed.  With a little “shaking and stirring” in the script and physical training of the cast, plus some normal fight footage, this could have been as good as any Connery-caliber Bond film.  As it stands, however, it’s a lukewarm Lazenby.