Horoscopes We Can Believe In

by Thomas M. Pender

First of all, astrology is crap.  Let’s all understand that right out of the gate.  The fact that I’ll be making a suggestion here in a sec on how to make horoscopes more believable does not in any way, shape or form mean or imply that I take them seriously at all.  I wouldn’t take them seriously at all if they took my advice.  Since I write “Rubber Chicken Soup” for fun, this column is an exercise in fun for fun’s sake.  All you believers in astrology can rest assured that I still think you’re wrong and pathetic.

Now, then . . .

If I were to suggest one thing to the creators of horoscopes, it would be this: Give us specifics.  Stop covering up your nonsense with vagueness, and have the guts to expose your “gift” by shocking your readers with your depth and detail.

To illustrate: I randomly found a horoscope online while I was typing this column.  Regardless of what sign it’s under (because they’re all equally ridiculously written), it said, quote: “A change in your daily routine sounds exciting today and you're eager to shake things up just to create a little drama. However, you might underestimate the impact of your actions on others.”

Wow!  Really?  A change in your routine sounds exciting?  Routine, by definition, is boring.  Change in routine, therefore, is not boring.  Some would call it “exciting.”  Note that “you’re eager to shake things up” is not a prediction at all, kids.  It’s a mental seed.  Believers of astrology will read this, and think, “Yeah!  Yeah, I am eager to shake things up today!”  They will go out, ruin a friendship or get canned for doing something crazy, then maintain their smile by retroactively pointing at their horoscopes and saying, “You see?  It was true!”  And you might underestimate the impact of your actions?  Fantastic!  It’s like the writer is spying on your life, isn’t it?  The key word “might” is a powerful tool of the astrologist.  Yeah, I might underestimate the impact of my actions today.  I might commit armed robbery, run for President, or jump off my roof with a napkin parachute, too.  Show us your daring, and put in a “will”!  Impress us by boldly declaring “You will win the lottery today” or “You will fracture your tibia today.”  Virgos or Capricorns worldwide will rejoice in the knowledge that they will easily be able to afford putting their legs in splints with the bankroll you’ve promised!

Even more than the daily horoscopes, though, my favorite part of astrology is the descriptions of the faithful.  You know, the paragraphs that appear after the sign and the birthdate range, that tell how amazingly wonderful you are.  If I were to suggest one thing to the sellers of astrology, it would be this: Balance your bull.  At least make an effort to make yourselves believable by taking the Disney-butterflies-on-everyone’s-shoulders happy crappiness out of it, and add a smidgeon of reality.  If you’re going to blatantly write fiction that you (presumably) want people to swallow as fact, shock ‘em with some glass-half-empty time.

Another surreal-world example: “Love triumphs overall for this sign, which is ruled by the heart and operates from this dimension too. (People under this sign) are born fortunate. Charismatic and positive-thinking they attract not only an abundance of friends and opportunities, but manage to survive life's stormy times with style and good humor.”

So every single person on the face of the Earth who was born in this month – regardless of year – is ruled by their hearts, and love triumphs for them.  Every one of them is charismatic and positive-thinking.  That’s amazing!  Not a single (whatever sign) in the entire batch of records of suicides.  Has no one in the medical field noticed this?

Allow me to demonstrate the “real-world” approach with a little bit of editing: “Love triumphs overall for this sign, unless you are homely and smell bad.  (People under this sign) are born fortunate, if your parents are loaded. Charismatic and positive-thinking – except for those who are awkward and depressed – they attract not only an abundance of friends and opportunities (unless they can’t), but manage to survive life's stormy times with style and good humor.  Some, however, may manage to survive life’s stormy times with Valium and good scotch.”

Now, that’s astrology that covers all the bases!