My Father Never Called Me Tom

by Thomas M. Pender

 

My father never called me Tom.

He called me Little Guy,

then Grump,

then Bosco,

then Stretch.

Thomas Michael when I was in trouble.

He called Debi Skeeter.

Kristi was Punkin.

Mom was Willard.  She hated it

but loved it.

We never called my father Father.

My father was a Daddy, then

a Dad, then

an Old Fart.  He answered to

Hey You.

Never Father.

My dad told me he loved me in

a million ways except

by saying “I love you.”  I

couldn’t tell him either.  But we knew.

written by t. michael pender  3/8/88

copyright 1988 T. Michael Pender.  All rights reserved.

Ten Little-Known Facts About Columbus Day

by Thomas M. Pender

10)          It started out as a celebration of Columbus, Ohio, and just got outta control

9)            Routinely gets snickered at behind its back by actual holidays

8)            Only federal employees really know it exists

7)            Gastroenterologists refer to it as “Colon Burst Day” . . . but just among themselves

6)            Named after a coin toss.  Won over Travolta Day.

5)            Has a traditional dance that’s supposed to be performed each year by the President, but just between us, it’s waaaay gay

4)            Made a national holiday in 1937 by President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, after losing a game of quarters to the Italian ambassador

3)            Inspired even more holidays named for those who got credit for others’ achievements: William Shakespeare Day, Thomas Edison Day, and Milli Vanilli Day

2)            Macy’s was approached to sponsor an annual parade in 1962, but only this little upstart Arkansas department store called “Wal-Mart” seemed interested, so the idea was scrapped

and

1)            Known in Genoa, Italy as “Bighead Voyagerman Blah-dee-blah Day”