Ten Little-Known Facts About Columbus Day

by Thomas M. Pender

10)          It started out as a celebration of Columbus, Ohio, and just got outta control

9)            Routinely gets snickered at behind its back by actual holidays

8)            Only federal employees really know it exists

7)            Gastroenterologists refer to it as “Colon Burst Day” . . . but just among themselves

6)            Named after a coin toss.  Won over Travolta Day.

5)            Has a traditional dance that’s supposed to be performed each year by the President, but just between us, it’s waaaay gay

4)            Made a national holiday in 1937 by President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, after losing a game of quarters to the Italian ambassador

3)            Inspired even more holidays named for those who got credit for others’ achievements: William Shakespeare Day, Thomas Edison Day, and Milli Vanilli Day

2)            Macy’s was approached to sponsor an annual parade in 1962, but only this little upstart Arkansas department store called “Wal-Mart” seemed interested, so the idea was scrapped

and

1)            Known in Genoa, Italy as “Bighead Voyagerman Blah-dee-blah Day”

Ten Suggestions To Improve Life In The Deep South

by Thomas M. Pender

10)          To improve the environment, the invention of vehicles that run on sweet tea

9)            To ease digestion, the implementation of “tobacky-chawin” and “non-tobacky-chawin” sections in restaurants

8)            To facilitate communication, the conformation to a common twang

7)            To improve parenting, the establishment of a reasonable Wal-Mart curfew, past which half-naked drowsy toddlers are not allowed inside to be dragged through the stores by their parents

6)            To boost the economy, the creation of Southern cooking vending machines, with buttons for “Collareds,” “Homemade macaroni and cheese” and “Sweet potato pie”

5)            To make sense of the government, the appointment of Jeff Foxworthy as Chancellor of the South

4)            To make the South safer (and more attractive!), the banishment of pit bulls

3)            To make the South neater (and more attractive!), the banishment of collapsed yard vehicles

2)            To improve education, the creation of two separate language classes: Southern English and Actual English, so the kids can communicate with their friends and potential employers

and

1)            To maintain goodness, the establishment of a church on every corner . . . oh, wait, we have that!