Ten Lessons From My Atlanta Christmas Trip

by Thomas M. Pender

10)          One-way streets really confound your ability to find something, even with a map

9)            Nicer hotels have everything at the front counter, including a wide variety of phone chargers

8)            Actual buffets of hot breakfast foods (which change from day to day for variety) beat continental breakfasts, hands down!

7)            Some hotels believe that being situated in Georgia automatically means the air conditioning units should be on 24/7/365 (366 in a leap year)!

6)            It’s now the 21st Century, but too many human beings still don’t know that people need to come out of the elevator before they can get in

5)            It is possible to get several sets of directions to a McDonald’s, which everyone seems to know the location of, but walk right past it . . . twice

4)            The most inexpensive rings can make for the most romantic engagement rings

3)            Giant red balls make for a great route marker

2)            If you’re going to turn the wrong way onto a multi-laned major city street, be sure to do it at 5:30 a.m., when the majority of drivers are still in bed

and

1)            Regardless of calendar dates, being with the love of your life after too long a geographical separation makes any day Christmas!

Atlanta, December 2011

by Thomas M. Pender

When I reached the place where we would be

Finally together

When I came to where you were

To take you there

When I held you after so long believing

I never would

When our fingers met as children’s do

And the sensation was at once new and familiar

When we rushed and laughed and spoke

Before arriving streets away

When you kissed me

As only you have ever kissed me

When I felt you near me

After such dreams had long faded

When we came to

The point where we belonged

When our smiles met

Amazingly in person

When you shared with me

Even more than before

When I asked you

And you said “yes”

When we planned

That which we’ve longed to happen

When we gave all

And received all

When you cried

And I held you

When you wouldn’t go

Though we knew it was time . . .

These were the moments that I absolutely knew the truth.

written by t. michael pender  1/2/12

copyright 2012 T. Michael Pender.  All rights reserved.

You Say You Want A Resolution

by Thomas M. Pender

Coming up on the dawn of 2012 as we are, many people’s minds turn to thoughts of New Year’s resolutions.  Such optimistic folks decide on what they will accomplish in the coming calendar year, or what they will change about their lives that they do not like, or how they will improve themselves.  It’s a very admirable practice, this promising oneself to become a better person.

Making good on these promises, however, seems to be a bit of a challenge.

Statistically, the most popular resolution is weight loss and/or exercise.  From the stories I’ve heard, both from folks I know and strangers in various media, January will start off full of positive energy and dedication to the resolution, but within a few weeks, peters completely out of steam.  It seems like only the strongest can even make it to February!

I’m only speaking from an observer’s point-of-view here.  I have never made a New Year’s resolution, simply because I know myself very well.  I know I have issues with focus and diligence on non-essential long-term projects.  (Witness my barely started novel, conceived over 23 years ago!)  I don’t feel the need to purposely add pressure onto myself to accomplish feats that I procrastinate on while under no pressure whatsoever.  In fact, whenever someone asks during the holiday season if I’ve made any New Year resolutions, I usually respond, “Every year, I resolve not to make myself promises about my future behavior.”  Simplified, I don’t make New Year resolutions.

I suspect that tag-team resolutionists have a much better chance to accomplish their goals.  At least, to go the furthest in reaching their goals before giving up.  I think that a healthy environment of coaxing and partnering will add a great deal of success potential to any achievement, be it as small as organizing one’s closets or as large as quitting cigarettes.  I do feel that with a loving partner-in-resolution, I would achieve much more than I ever would have on my own.  But that’s just me.

As I do any positive, constructive goal seekers, I applaud the resolutionists, and wish them only the best.  To be completely honest, though, a date on a calendar isn’t going to spark much progress in my personal goals.  A change of calendar can’t inspire a change in mindset all on its own.

While I work on improving myself – year-‘round, mind you! – I wish everyone a happy and positive New Year!

Ten Wishes For 2012

by Thomas M. Pender

10)          Publication

9)            Meditation

8)            Salvation

7)            Vacation

6)            Elation

5)            Occupation

4)            Liquidation

3)            Visitation

2)            Procreation

and

1)            Wedding!

The Nightmare Before Christmas

by Thomas M. Pender

An old favorite returns.  You'll notice at the bottom that this poem has a dual copyright year.  This is because I originally wrote this silly romp in December 1988, but over the years I have misplaced any and every copy I ever had.  So have the people who had copies.  After running out of ideas to recover the original, I sat down this week with the original text of "A Visit From St. Nicholas" and simply reconstructed my parody.  It was pretty easy overall, since it was always a line-by-line parody, but I know some small parts are different, so I can't claim it's the original.  Still, it was fun to "rewrite."  I hope my goofier (and grosser?) readers will get a Christmas kick out of this one.  Ho ho ho, indeed!  (P.S., I came up with the title five or ten years before Tim Burton.  I can't sue because you can't "steal" a title, but just wanted my readers to know that I dreamed it up on my own.)

‘Twas the night before the night before Christmas, and all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring, ‘cept for me and my spouse;

The stockings were thrown up, quite crooked with no flair,

In haste, ‘cause the relatives soon would be there!

The children were tousled, all twisted in their beds,

While terrors of great-grandmas lurked in their heads

And the Mrs. in her work clothes, and I in my pants,

Had just settled down, ‘cause we got half a chance;

When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my bed to see what the hell was the matter!

Away to the window I flew like a plane,

Damaged the shutters, and stuck my nose to the pane.

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow,

Gave a luster of midday . . . so the neighbors got a show!

When what to my irritated eyes should appear

But my brother-in-law, and his roommate (the queer)

Their eyes how bloodshot, their tongues how thick

I knew in a moment I was going to be sick

More obnoxious than salesmen, these assholes they came

They knocked down our Santa, and slurred out our names:

“Hey, Rita!  Hey, Mickey!  It’s Chuck and it’s Bill!

At our holiday party, we had more than our fill.

We’ve been driving all night, going bar to bar;

We were heading on home, but only made it this far.”

Then up on the housetop, his cohort we heard

Stumbling on our shingles, so I flipped him the bird

Then in a twinkling I heard on the roof

The stumble of a drunkard (the noise was the proof!)

As I drew in my head, and was turning around

Down the chimney Chuck fell with much damage and sound

He was covered in ashes and grime, slime and dirt;

He had garbage in his pockets, and food on his shirt.

A string of my Christmas lights he wore down his back,

And he looked like a douchebag I’d love to attack!

His eyes, how unfocused; his pimples, how many

And as far as cab fare, I could tell he didn’t have any.

His limp, slobbering mouth moved painfully slow,

And the beard on his chin was soggy with snow;

The stump of a cork he held tight in his teeth,

And a stench encircled his head like a wreath.

He had a fat face, and a large exposed belly

That had stains upon it of mustard and jelly.

He was unshaven and balding; a right ugly old elf,

And I cried when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A roll of his eyes, and a drop of his head

Soon gave me to know I’d never get to bed!

He spoke not a clear word, but went straight to his work:

He stumbled and broke my TV, the jerk!

And laying a finger straight up his nose

And cutting a fart, he peed in his clothes.

Cops sprang into action, and to me gave a ticket,

Then hauled ass back out, without taking either dickhead.

I explained to my wife in a note I did write:

“I’ve had it.  I took the car.  Merry Christmas.  Good night!”

written by t. michael pender, 12/22/88 and 12/24/11

©1988, 2011 T. Michael Pender.  All rights reserved.

Here In Ham-A-Lot

by Thomas M. Pender

While I tend to scoff at people who are fascinated and/or obsessed with “the royals,” I must admit I’m a bit of a Kennedyphile, which pretty much amounts to the same thing in American terms.  It’s not that I’m a fan of the clan, who were simultaneously the most successful and the most cursed family in our nation’s history.  No, “fan” is not the right word.  I guess it’s just amazing to me that so much right and wrong could dwell among and happen to the members of a single family.

As an interested party, I do seek out and absorb all the information I can on John, Bobby, Jackie, Teddy, Joseph and their ginormous family tree.  If there is a movie, book or miniseries about the turbulent lives of these people, I’ll at least give it a look.  Sometimes, this garners me even more interesting facts on the clan . . . and sometimes this is a tremendous waste of time.

Available on DVD, the 1983 TV miniseries Kennedy, starring Martin Sheen as the 35th President, is a good example of a great show, in terms of acting, research and writing, for anyone’s who’s interested.  Today, however, the topic is the more recent (as in 2011) cable miniseries The Kennedys, with Greg Kinear as JFK.

The show does have quite a bit of positive in it: Kinnear does a respectable job as John, taking on the Boston accent, the hair and the furrowed brow.  Barry Pepper, a personal Hollywood favorite of mine, does well as burdened brother Teddy, though for some reason (probably to cover the very un-Bobby twist in Pepper’s nose), this Bobby has quite the distracting proboscis.  Katie Holmes shocked me a bit by doing a decent job as Jackie.  I suppose I figured she wasn’t ready to handle this kind of serious drama, but she did.  In the acting category, the only real eyesore is Tom Wilkinson as corrupt ringleader and patriarch Joseph P. Kennedy.  Wilkinson is a great talent, to be sure, but he looks to be at least one human head taller than the real Joe, about 75 pounds heavier, and he seems to be trying to act the part, rather than just acting it.

The worst element, however, is the writing.  Totaling just eight hours, and attempting to cover 1960-68, with numerous flashbacks going back to the very early 20th Century, every historic scene seems rather rushed.  Compared to the ’83 Kennedy, this gives us less information in twice the airtime.  There also doesn’t seem to be any new information here.  If you know very little about the Kennedy years, you can learn something from this show, but if you were alive and had a television or a newspaper subscription back then, this will just seem like a very fast newsreel.  Since the Kennedys have been so overly researched, analyzed, judged and publicized over the years, I would think that any further attempts to dramatize them would at least have a fresh angle, or at least a few shocking previously-uncovered facts.  This offers none.

The worst element of the worst element is the syrupy-sugary-sweet tying up of loose ends in scenes that could never possibly have taken place, given the characters of these real people.  Jack promising Jackie he’s going to be a better husband, just an hour before he’s killed.  LBJ (who loathed the Kennedys) telling Jackie that the White House won’t be the same without her in it.  By the final episode, I was physically scoffing and rolling my eyes at these fairytale endings.

If you don’t know much about the Kennedy years and family and you’re interested, look into the Sheen show.  Whether you already know something about the clan or are looking to learn, The Kennedys will teach you nothing.