Five-Finger Discount, One-Finger Response

by Thomas M. Pender

This is one of those true stories that is so ridiculous, I have to preface it by saying “This is a true story.”

I work in a retail clothing and accessories store.  People come in, they browse, they try things on, they buy things, they leave.  It’s a pretty simple system that seems to work quite well.  Still, there are those who don’t seem to understand the whole “buying” process.  They want something for nothing, and are willing to attempt some daring means to get it.  A few weeks ago, in broad daylight, with several people just a few feet away, a woman stood calmly in the checkout line with a buggy full of clothes.  As soon as she reached the counter, she charged ahead to the front doors, where just outside, her accomplice was waiting at the curb in the getaway car.

There were a few flaws in the thieves’ plan: 1) the buggies in our store have tall poles attached to them, designed specifically to prevent people from leaving through the front door with them, and 2) the getaway car driver had parked the car close enough to the front door for one of our staff to clearly read the license plate number, plus get the make and model of the car.

Columbo wouldn’t have broken a sweat over this one.  One call to Macon’s Finest, one DMV computer check, one trip to the driver’s address, and one one-way visit to the local penal system.

But no!

A few days later, I casually inquired of the employee who wrote down the license and car information, “So, did you call the cops the other day?”

“No,” he says to me.

“Why not?” I asked, rather shocked.  When his face contorted to a particularly irritated posture, my cynical mind leap-frogged his response.  “Let me guess: It’s against store policy to turn in thieves, because it’s bad public relations.  People poor enough and desperate enough to steal from us won’t come in anymore, is that about it?”

His somber nod told the tale.  When I got to the managers, I had to share my sarcasticity.  I have a friend who once told me that I was never funnier than when I was pissed off, and I was so irritated, I could have gone on stage on Broadway!  My managers, who were just as irritated by the policy as I was, giggled as I tiraded all over the office: “You realize that once these lowlifes get home and no cops come by, they’re gonna tell all their friends where to shop from now on, right?  ‘Go there, cuz you never get turned in.’  Hell, why don’t we put up a sign to draw more customers in?  ‘Everything’s free every day, as long as you have the guts to push it through the doors!’  In fact, since I work in customer service, shouldn’t I offer to help them get the stuff outside?  ‘Excuse me, ma’am, but will you be paying for these items today, or can I run them out to your car and help you avoid the headache of standing in line and actually buying them?’

This is another ludicrous example of letting the bad guys win, which I have no stomach for.  When my co-worker first told me he couldn’t call the police, I said, “Give me the details, I’ll call ‘em.  No one told me I couldn’t call!”  While I was there and did witness the event, I was a bit too far back into the store to actually give the police accurate details when asked.  I couldn’t have told them anything about the felons, because all I saw when I approached the ruckus up front was a speeding car.  Still, with the secondhand facts, I could have at least got our boys in blue on the trail of the culprits.  Being the son of a cop, nephew of a chief of detectives, and grandson of a two-time chief of police, crime kinda . . . chafes me.

Listen up, retail world: the people who would be hesitant to come into your stores once they learn that you actually track down and prosecute thieves are just the kind of people you want to keep out of your stores!  Also, if you’re not going to prosecute or even bother people who steal from you, you could save yourself a lot of money, and simply put up hollowed-out security cameras.  Why bother taping anything if you’re not smart enough to use the evidence?

When the good guys refuse to punish bad guys, the bad guys not only win, they multiply!

Think about it.  Meantime, I need some aspirin. . . .

10% Discount Per Lie

by Thomas M. Pender

By the time I was ten years old, I was aware of this uncanny ability I had for . . . telling stories, shall we say?  (That sounds a lot better than “lying my ass off,” right?)  I could make stuff up with incredible detail while maintaining the straightest of faces, and I liked it.  I always said that the world should be grateful that I never used my powers for evil.  I could have been a phenomenal criminal, if I chose to be.

Luckily, I only used such skills for fun.  I never really lied, I always bullshat.  The difference . . . and yes, I did sit down and figure out the difference! . . . is that when you lie, you tell someone something that you know is not true, and you hope they don’t find out.  When you b.s., you tell someone something that you know is not true, and you hope they do find out!  After all, it’s no fun if they don’t know.

So, I’ve spent decades having fun with the truth, and if my “victims” didn’t figure it out, I’d just tell ‘em.  Not long ago, I told a completely ridiculous whopper, and I was gonna get away with it.  On top of that, I was given the opportunity to tell an even bigger “nontruth,” and that, too, was accepted.  For the hat trick, it saved me some food money!

I’m in my mid-forties, so I’m old enough looking to get questions like “are you senior?”  I always laughed these questions off and said “no.”  Then, just to be funny (initially), the last time the waitress asked “Are you over fifty?” with her pen hovering over my bill, I channeled Jon Lovitz’s “Pathological Liar” character, and said, “Yeeeeeeees.  Yes, I am!”  I laughed, the lady with the bill laughed, and even the lady putting my drink on the table laughed.  Instead of that ending the joke, the waitress then asked, “Are you over sixty?”  Thinking she was just playing along, I went ahead and replied, “Yeeeeeeees.  Yes, I am!”

I didn’t know until the bill came that I had received a 20% senior citizen discount, or as I like to mathemitize it, 10% off per lie.  In such strained economic times, this is a golden egg.  To my knowledge, no eating establishments actually ask for identification outside of legal drinking age.  Understanding this, being old enough to be suspected of being a senior citizen is a bit of a blessing!  From now on, I won’t even hear them ask, “Are you over 50?” or “Are you over 60?”  To me, it will sound like “Would you like a free 10% off your bill today, sir?” and “Would you like another free 10% off your bill, sir?”

Yeeeeeeees.  Yes, I would!