Modern Commode Phone Etiquette Tips

by Thomas M. Pender

With the advent of the cellular telephone, some astounding freedoms with our communications have emerged, such as texting, storing rather than memorizing phone numbers, and the ability to converse whilst utilizing the lavatorial facilities.  Such wondrous gifts of technology come with tremendous responsibilities, however.

The home bathroom is, by definition, a private facility.  A utilizer (one hesitates to use the term “consumer”!) of such a facility is free to express him- or herself in pretty much any way he or she chooses.  This includes the choice to use, and how to express oneself on, the cell phone at the time of commodal utilization.

Yes, love it or hate it, humans are now free to talk with their bosses, significant others, clergy and in-laws whilst in the process of “dropping the kids off at the pool.”  In the privacy of your own bathroom, this leaves you free to do as you please . . . but be considerate of the fellow human you are chatting with, please.  Unless both the call of the phone and the call of Nature are dire emergencies, try not to pause in the middle of a sentence or word in order to strain.  If both the call and the call of Nature are dire emergencies, at least explain this pre-strain.  You might also want to apologize in advance.

When the caller/evacuator is in a public restroom, however, the etiquette becomes much more detailed, because you are now dealing with total strangers in your mist . . . uh, midst.  Here, you are sheltered in a small area which, while you are seated and your head is positioned in its natural position, you cannot see out of.  Do not, however, let this fool you into thinking that you are alone and free to do as much as you please at home!

For example, when you are aware that another person is in the facility while you push the SEND button, be a little more specific in your greeting.  Don’t just say “Hi,” as this may earn you a suspicious response from the other side of the wall!  “Hey, Clarence” or “Hi, Mom” will simultaneously greet your callee, and let your new neighbor know that you are not an arrest-worthy pervert.  In this vein, also never begin a public restroom phone conversation with the line “Hey, whatcha doin?”

Ew.

Do also remember the non-strain rule while in public.  Now you have a potential band of people to disgust with your midword pushings.  Under this umbrella rule, also never hold conference calls of any corporate nature whilst unloading.  Your credibility and respect levels may also find themselves . . . dropping.

In short, keep in mind that by its very definition, a restroom is an impolite place.  The phone is an instrument which (one hopes) requires an understood modicum of politeness.  Therefore, never the twain should meet.