Ten Popular Fall Rituals

by Thomas M. Pender

10) Late-night raking of leaves into the neighbor’s yard

9) Ignoring of chores . . . and phone . . . and spouse . . . ‘cause football’s on

8) Annual bikinis-for-sweaters drawer-and-closet swap

7) Hyperprogramming of TiVo for new season episodes

6) Earlier commutes for better parking spaces for shorter “brisk walks”

5) Return of the “warming the bed” flop-around

4) Baseball widows’ luncheons and barhops

3) Ignoring of church . . . and sleep . . . and showering . . . ‘cause FOOTBALL’S ON!!!

2) The kids-and-self-ready-for-school-and-work-a-thon

and

1) The immediate beginning of the nine-month wish for summer’s return

Ten Suggestions To Improve Life In The Deep South

by Thomas M. Pender

10)          To improve the environment, the invention of vehicles that run on sweet tea

9)            To ease digestion, the implementation of “tobacky-chawin” and “non-tobacky-chawin” sections in restaurants

8)            To facilitate communication, the conformation to a common twang

7)            To improve parenting, the establishment of a reasonable Wal-Mart curfew, past which half-naked drowsy toddlers are not allowed inside to be dragged through the stores by their parents

6)            To boost the economy, the creation of Southern cooking vending machines, with buttons for “Collareds,” “Homemade macaroni and cheese” and “Sweet potato pie”

5)            To make sense of the government, the appointment of Jeff Foxworthy as Chancellor of the South

4)            To make the South safer (and more attractive!), the banishment of pit bulls

3)            To make the South neater (and more attractive!), the banishment of collapsed yard vehicles

2)            To improve education, the creation of two separate language classes: Southern English and Actual English, so the kids can communicate with their friends and potential employers

and

1)            To maintain goodness, the establishment of a church on every corner . . . oh, wait, we have that!