Ten Wishes For Christmas 2011

by Thomas M. Pender

 

10)          World peace will come . . . and shut the politicians up about at least one major topic!

9)            Jesus will visit . . . and shut the atheists up completely!

8)            The cure for taxes will be found

7)            The cure for writer’s procrastination will be found

6)            I will inherit the state of Colorado, shoo all non-family and non-friends out, rope it off, and dub it Penderado

5)            At least one company with at least one well-paying writing and/or editing job will see my resume and immediately pitch the others

4)            Firefly will return

3)            The world will get completely over reality TV

2)            All music forms that rhyme with “crap” or “junk” will be declared such, and outlawed

and

1)            (My biggest three-part wish is reserved for my Trini and me) :-P

Jesus Don’t Surf . . . Entertainingly, Anyway!

by Thomas M. Pender

I never got the chance to watch the HBO series John From Cincinnati during its original run back in 2007, but I did catch the teaser ads.  I was very intrigued at the curiosity campaign, which showed Bruce Greenwood walking up the beach from the ocean.  Wearing a body suit and carrying a surfboard, he stops walking, looks stunned and confused, then looks down.  He and the viewers notice that his feet are about six inches off the ground!

This intrigued me, and not being an HBO subscriber, I looked forward to the day I could see it on DVD.  Well, that day came this past week.  Luckily, I saw the entire one-season show through Netflix and I didn’t purchase it.

Ugh!

I’m a fan of symbolism, when it’s used wisely.  I loved reading The Grapes of Wrath and One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest in the 11th grade, because Mr. Farah explained how the characters symbolized well-known characters from the Bible, including Jesus Christ Himself.  As I mentioned in a review some weeks ago, Christian messages distributed to the general public as entertainment should be packaged in digestible wrapping, not force-fed.  John failed miserably here.  Nothing is digestible.  I sort of understand some of the biblical symbolism, but not thoroughly, and I certainly didn’t enjoy doing it.

One of the reasons I was originally anxious to see the show was because the cast was literally filled with actors I perceive as capable: Greenwood, who I thoroughly enjoyed in the UPN’s Nowhere Man, Rebecca (Risky Business) De Mornay, Ed (Modern Family) O’Neill and Howard Hesseman, who can’t seem to leave Cincinnati behind!  This is his third television romp in that town, after starring in WKRP In Cincinnati and The New WKRP In Cincinnati.  However, when I finally got to see it, I discovered that these fine folks’ performances, while fascinating, were mired in confusing and convoluted dialogue.  In a way, it was like watching Shakespeare: you can sort of follow the basic plot, but you have no idea what individual monologues and back-and-forths are all about.  It was constantly and increasingly frustrating.

One major exception to the great casting was Greyson Fletcher, who played young surfer Shaun.  I read that he was quickly cast based on his skateboard skills alone, which would transfer well into surfing skills.  I believe it!  Fletcher is about as good an actor as Laurence Olivier is today!  It was like witnessing Day One of a mannequin learn to walk and talk.  I’m not sure I ever saw the kid blink once . . . or smile . . . or emote in any real human fashion.

I can’t really tell you if Austin Nichols, who portrayed the title character, is a good actor.  He spent the entire show grimacing as if forced to suck a lemon, and talking like he was the love child of Rain Man and E.T.!  It was incredibly irritating, particularly in the beginning of the show, when he only speaks words he hears other characters say, and only knows a few lines.

JFC was not a bad idea for a show, but it was created and delivered with no clarity whatsoever, leaving us with one confusing mess.  I seriously defy anyone to watch a single scene of this ten-episode series, and explain to me what the characters are talking about.  It’s that bad!  A shame, really.  If they had simplified the dialogue in order to tell an entertaining and digestible story, I might actually feel bad it got cancelled.

Two Hours In Cinematic Sunday School

by Thomas M. Pender

Which is better?  To be beaten over the head with a golf club, or to be beaten over the head with a Bible?

Answer: They both hurt and irritate you.

I don’t have cable, so I missed any and all ad campaigns for the film Seven Days In Utopia.  I don’t know if it’s a big film or a little one in terms of release.  I first saw the title while searching local theatres online for something I hadn’t seen.  Upon investigating, it looked like a decent show to see: the cast is filled with actors I enjoy (Lucas Black of Friday Night Lights and Sling Blade, Robert Duvall of The Godfather, and Kathy Baker of TV’s Picket Fences), and the story seemed harmless, although a bit used: Golfer loses a big match, goes angry-driving through Texas, skids off road, damages car, has to spend a week in a small town no one’s ever heard of, and his life is forever changed for the better.

I could name five or six films that already did this, except for the golfer aspect.  Still, it seemed worth a look.  Sadly, it’s a poorly conceived two-hour sermon that just happens to have a great cast in it.  I checked to make sure this wasn’t a true story, as that would negate my criticisms of the storyline.  It’s fiction, so here are said criticisms of the storyline:

First off, when the very first thing you see on the screen is a Bible passage, you can be sure you’re in for a soul-pokin’!  Then, a golfer who goes driving with no destination (or “no direction” as the Christian uber-message would probably word it) ends up in a town of just over 300 people that happens to have a makeshift golf course in the cemetery?  Puh-leeze!  And the architect of this course happens to be a former golf pro who everybody wonders where he disappeared to?  Puh-leeze times two.  The senior pro convinces the junior pro to stay in town for a week, during which the senior will help the junior “find his game.”  Now, we begin the Karate Kid portion of the movie, where the junior pro is told to perform all manners of crazy seemingly-unrelated chores (catch a fish, paint a picture), but as we know ahead of time, each chore will help him on his path to greatness.

It would have helped my irritation level greatly if the junior pro had simply heard of this crazy golf course, and chose to drive there to see it, to get away from it all.  That’s believable.  But crashing his car across the street from it?  And the mysterious senior pro happens to find him?  I’m already sorry I bought the ticket.

Add to this the anvil-heavy Christian message.  Now, I’ve been a Christian all my life, and I’m proud of it.  I think stories that put Jesus into people’s lives are wonderful, but there is something to be said for subtlety.  Jesus himself told parables, which were cute little non-head-beating stories that led people to understand God’s message.  It wouldn’t have taken much to change the script into a pleasant, featherweight story that got viewers to think about God’s work in our lives.  Instead, the creators went for the Crusades-level teaching style, and lost me altogether.  I don’t think God would want to be an irritant to those He’s trying to win over.

Halfway through the film, I’m hoping it’s a short movie.  Three-quarters through, I’m checking the time.  At the end of the film, when they opt not to show you the end of the story, but instead guide you to a website in order to find out . . . I was livid!  The nerve of some salesmen.  I decided it was my duty (and, admittedly, my revenge upon the filmmakers) to report this on a public weblog, and wave people off from seeing it.

I’ll even go a step further: The golfer wins in the end.  In the meantime, read your Bible if you want to learn about God.  Now, you don’t have to see the movie.  There!  Take that, Seven Days!

Disciple

by Thomas M. Pender

I don't recall what inspired this short piece, but it is written from the point-of-view of an unspecified disciple of Jesus, on the day He walked on water. 

“Follow me,” He said as He stepped out

“And I will show you the Way.”

He trod slowly, His feet wet with

The sea,

And oh, how I longed to

Feel the cool salt beneath my toes.

But I was afraid,

And therefore

Unworthy.

written by t. michael pender  5/13/96

copyright 1996 T. Michael Pender.  All rights reserved.