The Great Vonnegut

by Thomas M. Pender

I have to sing the praises of Kurt Vonnegut Jr. for those who have never read his works!

Vonnegut (November 11, 1922 – April 11, 2007) wrote such amazingly worded novels, he could sway his readers’ emotions and thought processes.  Not everything he wrote is worthy of praise – in fact some is so repetitive and cyclical, you will think you’re trapped in rap lyrics! – but a few gems are well worth crowing about.

Player Piano was his first novel, and it tells the story of man versus machine in a society where machines are replacing humans.  Right out of the box, I have to say I loved the title.  Having nothing to do with the story, the player piano is a simplified image of a contraption that, while normally operated by a human, runs on its own.  Brilliant!  The story immediately grabbed my attention, and held it through every page, so I immediately went on to his next work.

The Sirens of Titan astounded me, plain and simple, for the accomplishment in the writing itself.  Without changing anything about his main character’s actions or motives, Vonnegut manipulates how the reader sees him and changes how we think of him.  You spend the first third of the book thinking the hero is the best guy in the world, the second third wondering what the heck he’s really doing, and the last third thinking he’s the worst guy in the world . . . all through the power of Vonnegut’s wording!  As a writer and aspiring novelist, I see this as superhuman skill and talent.

Slaughterhouse-Five is about a man who becomes “unstuck in Time.”  He is constantly juggled through scenes from his past, present and future.  He experiences World War II Dresden, the planet Trafalmadore (as a human zoo display!), 1950s American married life, and his own murder in 1976 Chicago.  (Published in 1969, this would be in the near future.)  You feel for the character, and you learn from his predicament, as well.

Mother Night had a profound effect on me.  The theme is “You must be careful what you pretend to be, because in the end, you are what you pretend to be!”  This was meant as a cautionary tale, featuring an American who pretends to be a Nazi in World War II Germany.  The character has good reason to do so, but sees himself as a monster because his reason does not change the evil he is doing.  Still, I took this lesson as a positive: If you pretend to be the person you want to be, you become that person!

I was also very affected by a story written in screenplay form, Fortitude.  Published in the short story collection Wampeters, Foma & Granfalloons, it tells the story of a very rich woman who should have died long ago, but is being kept alive by a building full of machines.  Only her head remains in its original form.  She is prevented from committing suicide when she becomes too depressed over her situation, so she exacts some wonderfully poetic revenge.  Here again, I was impressed by how Vonnegut evokes strong emotional reactions from his reader.

While I was incredibly disappointed in one of his most lauded books, Breakfast of Champions, I find Vonnegut’s work to be completely original in tone, and I will miss his writing.   In general, his work makes you want to laugh, but before you can laugh, it makes you think, and in thinking, you realize that what you just read isn’t funny, but kind of sad or infuriating.  I have no idea how he did that, and I’m incredibly jealous.  However, as a reader, his books are a playground for the mind.  If you’ve never read his work, I recommend you start with the first novel, Player Piano.  It’s a fine introduction to his style, and if you like it, you can easily progress from that.  If you love the written word, and the magic that a masterful writer can conjure, give Kurt Vonnegut Jr. a try.  In whatever way you are affected by his words, you will certainly be affected, which is a rare and wonderful thing in the world of literature!

Five-Finger Discount, One-Finger Response

by Thomas M. Pender

This is one of those true stories that is so ridiculous, I have to preface it by saying “This is a true story.”

I work in a retail clothing and accessories store.  People come in, they browse, they try things on, they buy things, they leave.  It’s a pretty simple system that seems to work quite well.  Still, there are those who don’t seem to understand the whole “buying” process.  They want something for nothing, and are willing to attempt some daring means to get it.  A few weeks ago, in broad daylight, with several people just a few feet away, a woman stood calmly in the checkout line with a buggy full of clothes.  As soon as she reached the counter, she charged ahead to the front doors, where just outside, her accomplice was waiting at the curb in the getaway car.

There were a few flaws in the thieves’ plan: 1) the buggies in our store have tall poles attached to them, designed specifically to prevent people from leaving through the front door with them, and 2) the getaway car driver had parked the car close enough to the front door for one of our staff to clearly read the license plate number, plus get the make and model of the car.

Columbo wouldn’t have broken a sweat over this one.  One call to Macon’s Finest, one DMV computer check, one trip to the driver’s address, and one one-way visit to the local penal system.

But no!

A few days later, I casually inquired of the employee who wrote down the license and car information, “So, did you call the cops the other day?”

“No,” he says to me.

“Why not?” I asked, rather shocked.  When his face contorted to a particularly irritated posture, my cynical mind leap-frogged his response.  “Let me guess: It’s against store policy to turn in thieves, because it’s bad public relations.  People poor enough and desperate enough to steal from us won’t come in anymore, is that about it?”

His somber nod told the tale.  When I got to the managers, I had to share my sarcasticity.  I have a friend who once told me that I was never funnier than when I was pissed off, and I was so irritated, I could have gone on stage on Broadway!  My managers, who were just as irritated by the policy as I was, giggled as I tiraded all over the office: “You realize that once these lowlifes get home and no cops come by, they’re gonna tell all their friends where to shop from now on, right?  ‘Go there, cuz you never get turned in.’  Hell, why don’t we put up a sign to draw more customers in?  ‘Everything’s free every day, as long as you have the guts to push it through the doors!’  In fact, since I work in customer service, shouldn’t I offer to help them get the stuff outside?  ‘Excuse me, ma’am, but will you be paying for these items today, or can I run them out to your car and help you avoid the headache of standing in line and actually buying them?’

This is another ludicrous example of letting the bad guys win, which I have no stomach for.  When my co-worker first told me he couldn’t call the police, I said, “Give me the details, I’ll call ‘em.  No one told me I couldn’t call!”  While I was there and did witness the event, I was a bit too far back into the store to actually give the police accurate details when asked.  I couldn’t have told them anything about the felons, because all I saw when I approached the ruckus up front was a speeding car.  Still, with the secondhand facts, I could have at least got our boys in blue on the trail of the culprits.  Being the son of a cop, nephew of a chief of detectives, and grandson of a two-time chief of police, crime kinda . . . chafes me.

Listen up, retail world: the people who would be hesitant to come into your stores once they learn that you actually track down and prosecute thieves are just the kind of people you want to keep out of your stores!  Also, if you’re not going to prosecute or even bother people who steal from you, you could save yourself a lot of money, and simply put up hollowed-out security cameras.  Why bother taping anything if you’re not smart enough to use the evidence?

When the good guys refuse to punish bad guys, the bad guys not only win, they multiply!

Think about it.  Meantime, I need some aspirin. . . .