The Ridiculous Sport of Baseball . . . Statistics

by Thomas M. Pender

I’m not a big baseball fan.  I can’t really sit and watch an entire game on television.  It’s pretty dang boring.  While I do enjoy watching baseball highlights (because they splice all the actually interesting events together) and a live baseball game is fun (mostly for the things going on in the ballpark between plays), watching baseball on television strikes me as a pretty uninteresting practice.

However, within the sport itself is an ongoing ritual that is sort of an offshoot of interesting.  It’s downright bizarre!

Each time a new player comes up to the bat, and each time the batter is waiting for a pitch, you will undoubtedly hear the most incredible (and head-scratchingly confounded!) statistics spill out of the TV commentators’ mouths.  These faceless experts are loaded to the rafters with figures and columns and histories no one could possibly imagine being important enough to record.  You learn such “fascinating” facts (at least, we assume no one would go out of their way to make up such stuff!) as the percentage of pitches by a left-handed pitcher the batter has hit during the month of August in an outdoor game on the day after it has rained when he is wearing his hat tilted to the left.

Yes, I made that one up.  No, I’m probably not the first person.  The first person probably made it up, then investigated!

The basic stats, while no fascination to me, at least seem to exist for a reason.  The fans can keep track of how many runs, errors and wins a player is responsible for, and this can give the fans a good idea of how well the player plays.  But come on!  Is there a need to know how many Dodgers have deceased mothers who were Aquariuses and went to private schools, then married Navy men and gave birth to triplets?

(I hope I’m the first one to make that stat up.  Still, I wonder. . . .)

Every televised sport can give you stats on a team and on individual players.  It’s part of the home-viewing experience.  Baseball, for some reason or no reason, has turned the science of statistics into a ludicrous cult of numbers, based on twisted imaginations.  Somewhere out there in e-space, I’m sure, there is a constantly updated database on the number of times each major league player has adjusted himself in each and every game.  Fanny pats can’t be far behind (pardon the pun), either.  The topics get so far out of the realm of relevance, they hardly qualify as baseball stats.  They are numbers more in tune with Ripley than Cooperstown.  They may have even given Ripley a headache.

On the other hand, in your more inexplicable moments, when you wonder which baseball team has the most players who were raised in Alaska, went to high school in Florida, and have six toes on their left foot, relax.  There is someone keeping track of that . . . and you’ll probably hear about it next spring while innocently watching a game, too!

Fact, Belief . . . and the Shape of the World

by Thomas M. Pender

“I don’t believe you.”

This phrase used to bother me quite a bit as a youth.  When a friend or family member would say this following a statement of mine, I took it personally.  It seemed to be a declaration of mistrust, which was a bit painful.

As I matured, however, this phrase began to amuse me.  If I told a friend that the capital of California was Sacramento, and they claimed they didn’t believe me, that just . . . made them wrong and me right.  I decided to let them disbelieve, and upon further investigation, they would simply learn who was correct and who owed me an apology.

Of course, I’ve been wrong before, too.  A few embarrassments in my youth taught me to state when I knew something to be true, and when to start sentences with “I think” or “I believe.”  Having this practice covered, whenever I would state something as fact, and someone would disbelieve, I found an odd humor in the situation.  I began to respond to the nonbelievers accordingly.

“The capital of California is Sacramento.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Well, people didn’t believe the world was round, either, but that didn’t make the world any flatter, now, did it?”

Sometimes, I could even get my factual combatants to laugh with this line.  Still, the point was made.  Whether or not someone believes the world is round, shadows on and photographs from the moon prove that it is.  (Also, there are no documented cases of anyone falling off the planet.)  This simply makes nonbelievers humorous.  Likewise, if a fact is stated and someone doesn’t believe it, they also become humorous.

Once, a co-worker called my desk to ask how to spell a word.  I had become a bit of a corporate spelling help desk at the time.  She asked and I promptly responded.  I knew how to spell the word.  I didn’t hesitate, nor did I begin with “I’m not sure, but I think it’s spelled . . .,” I just spelled it for her.  Still, she said, “That doesn’t look right.”  I assured her it was.  She insisted I bring her a dictionary.  I took it to her and stood there while she looked it up.  She was shocked when it was proven that the “odd-looking” word was spelled correctly.  Here again, believing or disbelieving in a fact doesn’t change the fact itself.

Another good example is the existence of God.  It’s simple: either there is God or there isn’t.  There’s no gray area here.  So for simplicity, let’s pretend that 50% of the world’s inhabitants believe in God, and 50% do not.  The fact remains that said existence does not change with belief.  Half the world’s beliefs would be right and half wrong, that’s all.  This realization led me to invent an old saying: “Truth is truth.  Belief is just what gets us through the night.”

So, learning the difference between fact and belief, and stating each one carefully and clearly, I gleefully repeat my line about the shape of the world whenever I’m faced with a trivial infidel.  I believe Magellan would be proud of me.

Ten Little-Known Facts About Columbus Day

by Thomas M. Pender

10)          It started out as a celebration of Columbus, Ohio, and just got outta control

9)            Routinely gets snickered at behind its back by actual holidays

8)            Only federal employees really know it exists

7)            Gastroenterologists refer to it as “Colon Burst Day” . . . but just among themselves

6)            Named after a coin toss.  Won over Travolta Day.

5)            Has a traditional dance that’s supposed to be performed each year by the President, but just between us, it’s waaaay gay

4)            Made a national holiday in 1937 by President Franklin Delano Roosevelt, after losing a game of quarters to the Italian ambassador

3)            Inspired even more holidays named for those who got credit for others’ achievements: William Shakespeare Day, Thomas Edison Day, and Milli Vanilli Day

2)            Macy’s was approached to sponsor an annual parade in 1962, but only this little upstart Arkansas department store called “Wal-Mart” seemed interested, so the idea was scrapped

and

1)            Known in Genoa, Italy as “Bighead Voyagerman Blah-dee-blah Day”