Assless in America

by Thomas M. Pender

I have a birth defect, which is rarely discussed in public.  It’s apparently genetic, as my father before me had the same defect.  It’s been the cause of pain and heartache, as well as shame and embarrassment.

I have no butt.

I used to have one, back when I was thin as a rail.  In fact, back then a butt was all I had physique-wise!  A bump halfway up the broom, if you will.  As I started to gain normal weight, however, the distribution of the added poundage was not exactly even.  Plenty of people complain that too much weight ends up on their posterior, but mine was the opposite problem: thighs fatter, check; love handles visible, check; stomach bigger, CHECK!  Everywhere in the derriere neighborhood was getting “pound-ed,” but apparently my behind was not invited to the calorie-fest.  Soon, with the expansion of fat above and beneath it, it simply went away.

There are some actual problems associated with this lack-o’-tushy syndrome, too.  With nothing underneath to cushion a sitting position, I can’t be comfortable sitting anywhere with little or no padding.  This has been an issue every time I’ve been in a church with only non-padded wooden pews, and also public events that feature metal folding chairs.  When I was younger and thinner, you could actually hear the bones collide with the harder surfaces if I sat down hard!  I was also known to sit on Mom’s lap throughout my teens, and teasingly say that she used to let me sit there, but the joke never lasted long, as Mom would say that my hip bones were digging into her skin.

Here was one reason I could actually look forward to gaining some normal-range weight.  But noooo!  I got the bod curse handed down from Dad.  I remember Mom following Dad up the stairs once, and Mom grabbed a handful of Levi’s denim where his body should have been.  “Look!  There’s no butt!” she announced, and the household erupted in laughter.  You just gotta love silly parents.  Nowadays, however, it’s not so much humorous as irritating . . . and I get mocked on occasion, too.  The prime-time cartoon series King of the Hill did an entire (and, admittedly, hilarious) episode dedicated to the fact that central character Hank Hill had no behind.  He ended up having to wear a kind of backward-silicone-implant thingy in order to sit comfortably.  This was shown for entertainment value, but it just may come to that one day.  Horrors!

As far as I can tell so far, my boys have not carried the assless gene.  Still, I suppose I’ll have to wait until they hit their twenties to really find out.  In the meantime, please pray for my sons’ butts.  Thanks.